The pain is there

Since I was a kid I have been involved in communication problem. I don't know how or why but most people around me will think that I'm an ill -mannered arrogant bastard. It was always hard for me to make friends. I got bullied when I was kindergarten.a boy at my class always bullied my for my pocket money. those time I never have any gut to stand for my self. somehow I started to pull my self out of the crowd. As I started my second year at elementry school I did good at school. I was always in top three. I enjoyed it a lot when people praised me, saying I'm smart and many others sweet to be heard things. since then, I only had studying, studying, and studying. for me, studying and being smart, standing on the top of competition were the only way to get people attention. I preffered staying at home and studied hard rather than playing with my friend. As long as I could be the best among others than I didn't need any friend at all. People would know me eventough I never know them, end of story. 

 My parents than sent me to a national junior high, the best one. Again, I got bad experience. That school was nothing but a battlefield. Every student were competing each other. One point gap in any subject would determine what rank you would be in. one day, my biggest rival came with her parents to school and complained about terror by phone they receive after the semester end. FYI, we got exactly same point on our report but she won over me in english subject while I did better in social. they indirectly accused me as the terror culprit. My heart was hurt A LOT. I studied even harder, I was nothing but nerd backthen. Finally, I won over her on next semester.

 My senior high was nothing but a vain. Nerd was my middle name. I spent my time at home studying non-stop so I could be the best. I only know four people in my friends cycle. I joined many contests most of them english debate and speech. I won a lot. I was always on top rank at school. My friends thought I was great but no one knew I was lonely. Those time I spent to read my books, did my math homework, memorized the formula, were stained by my anxiety. I wasn't pretty even close to ugly, I wasn't rich, I was no one compare to other. Being on top rank was the only way to get those attention I need. I didn't care of how many friends I hanged out with as long as I had my teachers' praises. As time goes by I grew up as self-centered pain on ass. I need no one but my-self. I could do anything even when no one helped me. being betrayed few times, I believe that true friend never exist.

University life wasn't better. I found it's even harder to make friends. I was worry I will disappoint my parents so I tried hard to get a cum laude degree. Now, I worked as an  medical intern. I got many problems due to my personality. Some people said I am arrogant, self-centered, egoist, etc. so what? you never know how hard I try to change it. You never know how many times I got depressed by the fact that no one really consider me as a friend, someone they would like to ask accompanying them to hang out. I'm scared of my self. I seed so much tears to remember that not even once in my life I win someone's attention without me being a winner. I'm hurt, a lot to see a person I would like to be close with favoring my friend rather than me. I'm being a single in my age isn't something happen without reason. Everytime my relationship end I feel tortured by my own guilty. just why I can't tolerate my partner's flaw. Do I spend to much time with my own-self. I keep asking why? why ani? I feel like I'm a broken product. I want to live my life like others, but I just can understand how....


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